Patience is a pretty powerful word, and it's not something I'm very good at, especially when it comes to...waiters getting my order wrong. JUST KIDDING (but really, the hanger is strong with this one). I would like to think that I'm able to breathe deeply and exude total zen-ness, but I'd be lying (exhibit A: I can't stand Yoga). In fact, I've noticed that my mid-twenties are shaping up to be a time of skepticism and slight bitterness - which is a good thing when you're trying to be funny. Although if I told the average acquaintance this, I'm not sure they would get it; I smile (sometimes too much), say "sorry" (WAY too much), go out of my way to make sure everyone feels comfortable, especially in awkward social situations that I've orchestrated. So from appearances sake, I'm more of a Hufflepuff*,but if I'm being honest with myself and everyone else, I'm a total Slytherin at heart (don't hate - Snape was too and HE TURNED OUT TO BE AWESOME). *Yes, my life is determined by Harry Potter parallels and my shrink is well-aware of this obsession.
I've actually been enjoying this slight raise in mid-twenties angst, because I feel like it gives me power to be a little more real with myself. I've spent a lot of time pushing away feelings of insecurity and pain in hopes that distracting myself with loud people and laughter would help (and don't get me wrong, it definitely does!). BUT in doing so, I've hidden an edge -- a little piece of myself saying "hey, be mad! Feel for at least a second." I'm not saying I now choose a life of dramatic stomping around whilst hexing my enemies under my breath, but instead I'm standing up for me and reminding myself that it's OK to be human, it's OK to feel broken sometimes, and when you feel this way - turn it into art because usually that morphs into pretty awesome stuff (some of which you will later either be blown away by or completely embarrassed by, which is humbling).
This edge that I am now embracing isn't a jaded version of myself - it's more of a "shut up and listen to your brain because you're probably right." It's a sassy voice telling me patience is probably what I should aim for, but if my gut is telling me otherwise, then speak out (note: this is not a Kendell Jenner-esq peace rally "speak out" because look where that got her). I'm going to show up to my own life with a hint of sarcasm and an ability to laugh and completely and utterly LOVE that about myself. I'm going to FEEL and to REFLECT and learn to know when I'm being to impatient with myself. And most importantly, I'm going to learn how to forgive myself. Because I'm kind of stuck with me forever, so might as well make it a happy marriage ;)